The crux of this advice rests on the other person’s concern for your feelings. If they don’t care, you have to make them care. The best way to do this is to show that you care about their feelings. Every section below builds on the previous one.

To Help with Feelings:

Main Points

1. Listen with full attention
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a verbal response, e.g., “mmm” or “I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name (important one).
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

It’s important that you genuinely empathize with the way the person is feeling, not necessarily agree with them. Basically, reward the person for expressing their feelings and show you understand. Facilitate that expression where necessary (e.g., give kids a crayon and paper to get the angries out, or hit a pillow).

What Not to Do

• Deny their feelings
• Get philosophical (e.g., “Well… that just happens sometimes.”)
• Give advice
• Ask confrontational questions
• Defend the other person
• Pity them
• Psychoanalyze

To Engage Cooperation:

Main Points

1. Describe what you see or the problem (works best when the person doesn’t know the problem already).
2. Give information.
3. Say it with a word.
4. Talk about your feelings.
5. Write it in a note.

Make sure your feelings are reflected in your response- if you’re angry, don’t pretend to be overly patient. The spirit of these is that you believe the other person is on the same side and can be persuaded. You don’t want to give the impression that you think they’re inept. Saying please and then a command is still a command. You’re trying to create an emotional environment that promotes co-operation/mutual desire to complete the same task.

What Not to Do

• Blame or accuse
• Name-call
• Threaten
• Issue commands
• Lecture or moralize
• Warn (about danger of thing they’re doing)
• Martyrdom statements (e.g., “Wait until you’re in my position”)
• Make comparisons to other people (“why can’t you be like [fill in the blank]?”)
• Prophesize

Alternatives to Punishment:

Main Points

1. Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character.
2. State your expectations.
3. Show the person how to make amends.
4. Give the person a choice.
5. Take action (do something to show the person that you’re not okay with what happened and prevents them from doing it again).
6. Problem-solve (best for complex/difficult conflicts).

Punishment leads to feelings of hatred, revenge, defiance, guilt, unworthiness, and self-pity. The real goal of punishment is for a person to experience “the consequences of their misbehavior.” It’s important to not make yourself too weak by being passive. It’s best to take the middle ground- expressing how you feel and working on a solution to the problem together. Accept that you don’t have the right answers. Similarly, it’s not a competition to see who will get what they want. There’s a difference between natural consequences and punishment - natural consequences are passive (e.g., reluctance to help someone if they didn’t reciprocate last time). Make sure to pay attention to the other person’s mood. Keep in mind that few solutions are permanent. Don’t get frustrated if a solution isn’t reached - by discussing the problem, you both become more sensitive to one another’s needs.

Steps to Problem Solve:

1. Talk about the other person’s feelings and needs.
2. Talk about your feelings and needs.
3. Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
4. Write down all ideas - without evaluating.
5. Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

What Not to Do

Punish people - it’s not very effective and fosters resentment.

Encouraging Autonomy:

Main Points

1. Let other person make choices.
2. Show respect for other person’s struggle.
3. Don’t ask too many questions.
4. Don’t rush to answer questions.
5. Encourage other person to use sources outside the current environment.
6. Don’t take away hope.

Always leave the door open to conversation. Talking about it doesn’t mean you give up your position. Instead of questions, listen with interest. Instead of giving explicit answers, ask the other person what they think and guide them there. Encourage people to hope by listening instead of discouraging people by saying that their goal isn’t possible/feasible. Don’t micromanage. Let the person answer for themselves and show respect for their eventual “readiness” for things/confidence that when they’re ready, they’ll do it. Don’t say no, instead: 1) give information, 2) accept feelings, 3) describe the problem, 4) substitute a yes (let me think about it). Instead of giving explicit advice, help the person sort out their feelings, restate the problem as a question, or point out resources they can use outside your environment with them.

Praise:

Main Points

1. Describe what you see.
2. Describe what you feel.
3. Sum up the person’s praiseworthy behaviors in a word.

Remember praise happens in two phases: 1) You praise the person, and then 2) the person praises herself. Make sure praise happens at an age-appropriate level. Avoid hinting at past weakness. Don’t over-do it. Keep in mind that you are encouraging the person to repeat this behavior. It’s okay if your initial reaction is some kind of general “fantastic great wonderful” as long as you follow it up with a description. When praising someone who is fearful of failure or failing: 1) don’t minimize their distress, 2) accept mistakes and view them as part of the learning process, and 3) show that you are accepting of your own mistakes. Actively look for things to praise in other people.